Laying on my stomach in bed, I am amazed at how much lighter, how much better I feel once his weight is lifted off of me. I wonder that I never appreciated before the perfect wholeness, the absence of this weight presents.
Suddenly, an image of my wedding ring sinking like a brick to the bottom of the bathtub flashes through mind. I had removed it once to be free of it while I bathed and it seemed abnormally heavy to me as it sunk quickly through the water to the bottom of the tub. I picked it up again and dropped it, amazed at the heaviness and the irony of this symbolism.
Long seconds, spanning the length of my memory pass and he is back from wherever he went. I am heavy again.
Another memory flashed through my mind.
“They are all gone” she said, "all my friends and family have been dead for years. Only I am left, and I just don’t see why God has had me live this long all by myself. I am old and fallin apart and they all went on without me…”
I wondered where my mind was going, what the connection between the two images was. Now I think I understand.
I remember it sounded strange to me then, that the old woman measured the value of her life solely by the number of loved ones she had left. And now that she had none, she equaled it a zero. But I didn’t understand then the concept of having people around you that shaped the significance of your existence.
Yesterday Chris waxed philosophical while questioning what it would be like when we were 60. I made some joke about being too vain to get old, but what I was really thinking was that it wouldn’t be that bad as long as we were all in it together.
For the first time I think I understand how the old woman felt and that it isn't life or death, or the weight you carry, so much as the people around you, who share your experiences. Now I understand that without these crucial friends life wouldn't be of any value to me either. And that even these things that seem so heavy and overwhelming, aren’t so bad in good company. I guess I am pretty grateful.
Still, I think I may need a softer mattress.