And tonight I am playing the role of keyboard players girlfriend on tech support. Doesn’t matter that we have been married for years. For all practical appearances I am the “gal” the roadie, the groupie, the one suckered into running video when the regular joe (or should I say Jim) couldn’t make it. Whatever the reason, tonight I am once again in the role of “stand by your man” and feeling rather perversley self-important doing it.
Funny how natural it feels to give up myself, abiding eternally in the ages old role of “the little woman” with no name, or identity, of my own, other than that which was so charitably bestowed upon me by my man and which I of course accepted gratefully, waiting happily in the wings while he took the stage for both of us. His song loud enough that any voice of mine faded long ago, while I nodded my head in approval and turned up the volume for him.
Why was I so eager to lose myself in a man? What did I expect to get in return that would have been better than my own self worth and the opportunity to live MY life for myself, rather than an existence centered around the desires or whims of someone else’s hopes and dreams; my decision based on the assumption that his aspirations were more worthy than my own, my life ruled by my willingness to give ME up for him.
Except of course for this, my quick handwritten rebellion scribbled on the back of a set list before the show to later quietly tuck away in my little corner of cyberspace.
At least there is this, as pathetic as that seems.