Once I let a boy love me who was handsome and smart and wealthy and all those beautiful things and I used all my girly wiles to make him want me- and he did- very much and we spent every possible moment of every day, week, month and year loving each other. The days we were apart and away at school were terrible and you would have thought us inflicted with actual physical pain because our love for each other was so all consuming.
But everyday we were together I became more and more comfortable with who I was because he loved me- and that seemed like enough. I stopped feeling like I had to always be cute and frail and shine- and that it was ok if I was just me, with mussed up hair, in sandals that didn't quite match…but I was always careful to wash the charcoal off my face and out from under my nails and he gave me a ring and promised to marry me when we graduated.
Then all the sudden one day- out of the blue he said he thought we ought to see other people, not break up, but see other people, just to make sure- So I did the only thing I could do. I told him I never wanted to see him again- and that was that.
In the days that followed not picking up the phone was an act of sheer will that sapped every ounce of my strength. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But wondering what was wrong with me that I wasn't good enough for him was what enabled my determination.
Looking back, I understand completely. He never really fell in love with who I was, but an image of feminine girlishness that I created for him- who I was when revealed wasn’t good enough for him. He wanted the illusion, the girl who always smiles and never gets sick, or mad, or forgets her keys, or cant pay her bills, or any of those things. He wanted the rainbow but not the rain.
After that I was never quite the same. So when I met a boy who I thought loved me I wore sandals that didn’t match and sometimes forgot to wash the charcoal smudges off my face, then waited for him to notice, but he just shrugged his shoulders and smiled that crooked smile that said everything and I knew he loved me. Just me.
He is the one I married.